Pansies
by shieldmaidenofmithrilhall
Summary: Hermione is taken by surprise when she comes across an attractive new student... does Jack Sparrow ring a bell? My little sister's first fan fic, PLEASE flame! HPPOTC crossover, character death, Ron bashing. Oneshot.


**A/N: I swear, I didn't write this. My little sister did. I only typed it. Please flame, it would make me laugh. It would make her cry. Which might make me laugh too. I can't explain it, but it's super hilarious, if you are in the right (and possibly drunken) frame of mind. I promise, that she was under the influence of no drugs, too, this is just her imagination. SUPER WIERD!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Neither does my sis. Disney, please don't sue.**

"Oooh, who's that hottie over there?" said Hermione, giggling in fits of hysteria and bad spelling.

"It's the new kid," whispered Lavender.

Hermione smiled with experience. "He looks Cheetahlicious!"

At this point, Lavender puked all over her breakfast plate. Parvati rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Let's go ask him his name," giggled Parvati.

Hermione swished her hips and waltzed over to the scraggly new stranger. She smiled to herself as she looked at his intriguing beard.

"Hey, I'm Hermione. Welcome to Hoggywarts."

The guy smiled. "I'm actually a teacher. My name is Captain Jack Sparrow. However, I saw a closet back over in that hallway. Want to meet me there?"

Hermione looked disgusted and slapped his pirate face. "I'm not that kinda girl," she said.

Captain Jack Sparrow smiled mischievously. "Oh, what about _curiosity?_"

"Oh, what do you _teach_, Captain Jack Sparrow?"

"I teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, Hermione." She shuddered when he said her name, yet there was something in her that made her heart go 'thump-thump.'

"Be prepared to die, because all our other Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers are either Death Eaters or are killed in grim, grisly, gruesome ways by Grim, Grisly, and Gruesome Griswald."

"Who is this 'Griswald'?" Leaning in closer, he raised his eyebrows. "Sounds like a eunuch to me. Is he French?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes. Are you?"

Jack looked taken aback. "I'M NO PANSY!"

Hermione looked at his arm. "You have tattoos," she said. "Did you get them from evil short midget people?"

Jack's eyes widened, "Aye."

"Weird."

Jack's eyes wandered to Harry, "I'll bet ya he's a eunuch."

"Don't talk about my secret lover like that!"

"It's written all over his face Hermione!" Jack got up on the table and began bursting out in song, "I have a cool scar on my head, Tra La La La La! If it weren't for me Vold wouldn't be dead Tra La La La La La. I have a scar and I'm a Pansy, Tra La La La La La La! Look at me, hey arn't I dandy? Tra La La La La La! I grew up in France but I was shipped across the sea to evil Dud-LEEE! Now I'm at Hoggywarts, don't you see, but don't tell Jack, cause he'll make fun of me!"

The dining hall went silent. A steamingly hot blonde man stood up from the Slytherin table.

"Ha ha, Harry's a Pansy!"

He was joined by a chorus of others: "ha ha, ha ha!"

Jack got up and pulled Professor Dumbledore and threw him on the ground. "I'm the new Headmaster! Everybody, lets sing!"

So they sang, with Jack as their leader:

"I have a cool scar on my head, Tra La La La La! If it weren't for me Vold wouldn't be dead Tra La La La La La. I hace a scar and I'm a Pansy, Tra La La La La La La! Look at me, hey arn't I dandy? Tra La La La La La! I grew up in France but I was shipped across the sea to evil Dud-LEEE! Now I'm at Hoggywarts, don't you see, but don't tell Jack, cause he'll make fun of me!"

Jack laughed a hearty, drunken laugh. "A-ha, A-ha! As my first order of business, I hereby assign co-leadership to Draco Malfoy _and _to his hot father, Lucius Malfoy.

"It's not Captain Jack Sparrow!" cried the crippled former Professor Dumbledore. "It's Voldie! It's Voldie!"

Ron jumped up from his seat, couldn't think of anything to say, and sat down again. Then he stood up on the table. "Everyone, I have an announcement. I am a pansy, okay?"

Striding down the table, he lunged at Jack Sparrow (no, not like that, sickos, he's gonna kill him. DUH!) "Avad-ghgasdhsad!"

"Harry! Save us, save us!" These, sadly, were the last words of Ronald Weasley.

A whisper, "it's Voldie! It's Voldie." Dumbledore was talking _again_! "It's polyjuice potion."

Jack threw back his head. "Hogwarts is MINE!"


End file.
